Memoirs of Emma Courtney Read online

  "Loveliest in their fears-- And by this silent adulation, soft, To their protection more engaging man."

  'Pshaw!' replied Mr Courtney, a little peevishly--'you will persuadeEmma, that the age of chivalry is not yet over; and that giants andravishers are as common now, as in the time of Charlemagne: a youngwoman of sense and spirit needs no other protection; do not flatter thegirl into affectation and imbecility. If blank paper be your passion,you can be at no loss; the town will supply quires and reams.'

  'There I differ from you,' said the gentleman on the opposite side ofthe table; 'to preserve the mind a blank, we must be both deaf andblind, for, while any inlet to perception remains, your paper willinfallibly contract characters of some kind, or be blotted andscrawled!'

  'For God's sake! do not let us begin to philosophise,' retorted hisantagonist, who was not to be easily silenced.

  'I agree with you,'--rejoined the other--'_thinking_ is undoubtedlyvery laborious, and _principle_ equally troublesome and impertinent.'

  I looked at him as he finished speaking, and caught his eye for amoment; its expression methought was doubtful. The man of fashioncontinued to expatiate in rhetorical periods--He informed us, that hehad fine feelings, but they never extended beyond selfish gratification.For his part, he had as much humanity as any man, for which reason hecarefully avoided the scene or the tale of distress. He, likewise, hadhis opinions, but their pliability rendered them convenient to himself,and accommodating to his friends. He had courage to sustain fatigue andhardship, when, not his country, but vanity demanded the exertion. Itwas glorious to boast of having travelled two hundred miles in eight andforty hours, and sat up three nights, to be present, on two succeedingevenings, at a ball in distant counties.

  'This man,' I said to myself, while I regarded him with a look ofineffable scorn--'takes a great deal of pains to render himselfridiculous, he surely must have a vile heart, or a contemptible opinionof mankind: if he be really the character he describes, he is a compoundof atrocity and folly, and a pest to the world; if he slanders himself,what must be that state of society, the applause of which he persuadeshimself is to be thus acquired?' I sighed deeply;--in either case thereflection was melancholy;--my eyes enquired--'Am I to hate or todespise you?' I know not whether he understood their language, but hetroubled me no more with his attentions.

  I reflected a little too seriously:--I have since seen many a prating,superficial coxcomb, who talks to display his oratory--_mere words_--repeated by rote, to which few ideas are affixed, and which areuttered and received with equal apathy.

  CHAPTER VIII

  During three years, I continued my weekly visits to Berkley square; Iwas not always allowed to join the parties who assembled there, neitherindeed would it have been proper, for they were a motley groupe; whenpermitted so to do, I collected materials for reflection. I had beeneducated by my aunt, in strict principles of religion; many of MrCourtney's friends were men of wit and talents, who, occasionally,discussed important subjects with freedom and ability: I never venturedto mingle in the conversations, but I overcame my timidity sufficientlyto behave with propriety and composure; I listened attentively to allthat was said, and my curiosity was awakened to philosophic enquiries.

  Mr Courtney now entrusted me with the keys of the bookcases, throughwhich I ranged with ever new delight. I went through, by my father'sdirection, a course of historical reading, but I could never acquire ataste for this species of composition. Accounts of the early periods ofstates and empires, of the Grecian and Roman republics, I pursued withpleasure and enthusiasm: but when they became more complicated, grewcorrupt, luxurious, licentious, perfidious, mercenary, I turned fromthem fatigued, and disgusted, and sought to recreate my spirits in thefairer regions of poetry and fiction.

  My early associations rendered theology an interesting subject to me; Iread ecclesiastical history, a detail of errors and crimes, and entereddeeply into polemic divinity: my mind began to be emancipated, doubtshad been suggested to it, I reasoned freely, endeavoured to arrange andmethodize my opinions, and to trace them fearlessly through all theirconsequences: while from exercising my thoughts with freedom, I seemedto acquire new strength and dignity of character. I met with some of thewritings of Descartes, and was seized with a passion for metaphysicalenquiries. I began to think about the nature of the soul--whether itwas a composition of the elements, the result of organized matter, ora subtle and etherial fire.

  In the course of my researches, the Heloise of Rousseau fell into myhands.--Ah! with what transport, with what enthusiasm, did I peruse thisdangerous, enchanting, work!--How shall I paint the sensations that wereexcited in my mind!--the pleasure I experienced approaches the limits ofpain--it was tumult--all the ardour of my character was excited.--MrCourtney, one day, surprised me weeping over the sorrows of the tenderSt Preux. He hastily snatched the book from my hand, and, carefullycollecting the remaining volumes, carried them in silence to his chamber:but the impression made on my mind was never to be effaced--it was evenproductive of a long chain of consequences, that will continue tooperate till the day of my death.

  My time at this period passed rapidly and pleasantly. My father nevertreated me with affection; but the austerity of his manner graduallysubsided. He gave me, occasionally, useful hints and instructions.Without feeling for him any tenderness, he inspired me with a degree ofrespect. The library was a source of lively and inexhaustible pleasureto my mind; and, when admitted to the table of Mr Courtney, some newcharacter or sentiment frequently sharpened my attention, and affordedme subjects for future enquiry and meditation. I delighted to expatiate,when returning to the kind and hospitable mansion of my beloved aunt,(which I still considered as my home) on the various topics which I hadcollected in my little emigrations. I was listened to by my cousins witha pleasure that flattered my vanity, and looked up to as a kind ofsuperior being;--a homage particularly gratifying to a young mind.

  CHAPTER IX

  The excellent woman, who had been my more than mother, took infinitepains to cure the foibles, which, like pernicious weeds, entangledthemselves with, and sometimes threatened to choak, the embryo blossomsof my expanding mind. Ah! with what pleasure do I recall her belovedidea to my memory! Fostered by her maternal love, and guided by her mildreason, how placid, and how sweet, were my early days!--Why, my first,my tenderest friend, did I lose you at that critical period of life,when the harmless sports and occupations of childhood gave place to thepursuits, the passions and the errors of youth?--With the eloquence ofaffection, with gentle, yet impressive persuasion, thou mightest havechecked the wild career of energetic feeling, which thou hast so oftenremarked with hope and terror.

  As I entered my eighteenth year, I lost, by a premature death, thistender monitor. Never shall I forget her last emphatic, affectionate,caution.

  'Beware, my dear Emma,' said this revered friend, 'beware ofstrengthening, by indulgence, those ardent and impetuous sensations,which, while they promise vigour of mind, fill me with apprehensionfor the virtue, for the happiness of my child. I wish not that thecanker-worm, Distrust, should blast the fair fruit of your ripeningvirtues. The world contains many benevolent, many disinterested,spirits; but civilization is yet distempered and imperfect; theinequalities of society, by fostering artificial wants, and provokingjealous competitions, have generated selfish and hostile passions.Nature has been vainly provident for her offspring, while man, withmistaken avidity, grasping more than he has powers to enjoy, preys onhis fellow man:--departing from simple virtues, and simple pleasures,in their stead, by common consent, has a wretched semblance beensubstituted. Endeavour to contract your wants, and aspire only toa rational independence; by exercising your faculties, still theimportunate suggestions of your sensibility; preserve your sincerity,cherish the ingenuous warmth of unsophisticated feeling, but letdiscernment precede confidence. I tremble even for the excess of thosevirtues which I have laboured to cultivate in your lively and docilemind. If I could form a wish for longer
life, it is only for my children,and that I might be to my Emma instead of reason, till her own strongermind matures. I dread, lest the illusions of imagination shouldrender those powers, which would give force to truth and virtue, theauxiliaries of passion. Learn to distinguish, with accuracy, the goodand ill qualities of those with whom you may mingle: while you abhor thelatter, separate the being from his errors; and while you revere theformer, the moment that your reverence becomes personal, that moment,suspect that your judgment is in danger of becoming the dupe of youraffections.'

  Would to God that I had impressed upon my mind--that I had recalled tomy remembrance more frequently--a lesson so important to a dispositionlike mine!--a continual victim to the enthusiasm of my feelings;incapable of approving, or disapproving, with moderation--the mostpoignant sufferings, even the study of mankind, have been insufficientto dissolve the powerful enchantment, to disentangle the close-twistedassociations!--But I check this train of overwhelming reflection, thatis every moment on the point of breaking the thread of my narration, andobtruding itself to my pen.

  CHAPTER X

  Mr Courtney did not long survive the guardian of my infancy:--hisconstitution had for some years been gradually impaired; and his deathwas hastened by a continuance of habitual dissipation, which he had notthe resolution to relinquish, and to which his strength was no longerequal. It was an event I had long anticipated, and which I contemplatedwith a sensation of solemnity, rather than of grief. The ties of bloodare weak, if not the mere chimeras of prejudice, unless sanctioned byreason, or cemented by habits of familiar and affectionate intercourse.Mr Courtney refusing the title of father, from a conviction that hisconduct gave him no claim to this endearing appellation, had accustomedme to feel for him only the respect due to some talents and goodqualities, which threw a veil over his faults. Courage and truth werethe principles with which he endeavoured to inspire me;--precepts, whichI gratefully acknowledge, and which forbid me to adopt the language ofaffection, when no responsive sympathies exist in the heart.

  My eyes were yet moist with the tears that I had shed for the loss of mymaternal friend, when I received a hasty summons to Berkley-square. Aservant informed me, that his master was, at length, given over by hisphysicians, and wished to speak to Miss Courtney, before his strengthand spirits were too much exhausted.

  I neither felt, nor affected, surprize at this intelligence, but threwmyself, without reply, into the carriage which had been dispatched formy conveyance.

  On entering the house, a gloomy silence seemed to reign throughout thelate festive apartments; but, as I had seldom been a partaker of thefestivity, the contrast struck me less forcibly than it might otherwisehave done. My name was announced, and I was conducted, by the housekeeper,to the chamber of her dying master, who, supported on pillows, breathedwith difficulty, but appeared to be free from pain, and tolerablycomposed. I met the physician in the ante-chamber; who, on my requestingearnestly to know the situation of his patient, informed me--That aninternal mortification had taken place, and that he could not survivemany hours.

  Approaching the bed, considerably shocked at the intelligence I hadreceived, Mr Courtney, in a low and faint voice, desired me to draw achair near him. I obeyed in silence.

  'Emma,' said he, 'I am about to quit a world, in which I haveexperienced little sincere enjoyment; yet, I leave it reluctantly. Had Ibeen more temperate in my pleasures, perhaps, they might have been lessdestructive, and more protracted. I begin to suspect, that I have madesome great mistakes; but it is now too late for retraction, and I willnot, in my last moments, contradict, by my example, the lesson offortitude, with which it has been a part of my plan to inspire you.You have now, unprotected, the world to encounter; for, I will franklyconfess, that my affection for you has not been strong enough to induceme to forego my own more immediate gratification: but I have neverdeceived you. Your mother, when she married, reserved for her privateexpences a thousand pounds, which, on her deathbed, she desired mightbe invested in the funds on your account. This request I religiouslycomplied with, and there it has remained untouched; and, being purchasedin your name, you may claim it whenever you please. I have appointedyou no guardians; for, already in your nineteenth year and possessingan understanding superior to your sex and age, I chose to leave youunfettered, and at your own discretion. I spared from my pleasures whatmoney was requisite to complete your education; for having no fortune togive you, and my health being precarious, I thought it just to affordyou every advantage for the improvement of those talents which youevidently possess, and which must now enable you to make your way in theworld; for the scanty pittance, that the interest of your fortune willproduce, is, I doubt, insufficient for your support. Had I lived, it wasmy intention to have established you by marriage; but that is a scheme,to which, at present, I would not advise you to trust. Marriage,generally speaking, in the existing state of things, must of necessitybe an affair of _finance_. My interest and introduction might haveavailed you something; but mere merit, wit, or beauty, stand in need ofmore powerful auxiliaries. My brother, Mr Morton[3], called on me thismorning:--he has agreed, for the present, to receive you into hisfamily, where you must endeavour to make yourself useful and agreeable,till you can fix on a better and more independent plan. Finding me in solow a state, your uncle would have waited a few days in town, to haveseen the result, and in case of the worst, to have taken you down withhim, but pressing business urged his departure. I would advise you,immediately after my decease, to set out for Morton Park. Proper personsare appointed to settle my affairs:--when every thing is turned intomoney, there will, I trust, be sufficient to discharge my just debts;but do not flatter yourself with the expectation of a surplus. Yourpresence here, when I am no more, will be equally unnecessary andimproper.'

  [Footnote 3: Mr Courtney's brother had taken the name of Morton, to qualify himself for the inheritance of an estate, bequeathed to him by a distant relation.]

  This was said at intervals, and with difficulty; when, seeming quiteexhausted, he waved his hand for me to leave the room, and sunk into asort of dose, or rather stupor, which continued till within some minutesof his decease.

  Mr Courtney had been, what is called, a man of pleasure:--he had passedthro' life without ever loving any one but himself--intent, merely,on gratifying the humour of the moment. A superior education, andan attentive observance, not of rational, but, of social man, in anextensive commerce with the world, had sharpened his sagacity; but hewas inaccessible to those kindlings of the affections--those glowings ofadmiration--inspired by real, or fancied, excellence, which never failto expand and advance the minds of such as are capable of sketching,with a daring hand, the dangerous picture:--or of those philosophic andcomprehensive views, which teach us to seek a reflected happiness inbenevolent exertions for the welfare of others. My mother, I suspected,had been the victim of her husband's unkindness and neglect: wonder not,then, that my heart revolted when I would have given him the tenderappellation of father! If he coldly acknowledged any little merits whichI possessed, he regarded them rather with jealousy than approbation; forhe felt that they tacitly reproached him.

  I will make no comment on the closing scene of his life. Among thevarious emotions which had rapidly succeeded each other in my mind,during his last address, surprize had no place; I had not then hischaracter to learn.

  CHAPTER XI

  The small pittance bequeathed to me was insufficient to preserve mefrom dependence.--_Dependence!_--I repeated to myself, and I felt myheart die within me. I revolved in my mind various plans for my futureestablishment.--I might, perhaps, be allowed to officiate, as anassistant, in the school where I had been placed in my childhood, withthe mistress of which I still kept up an occasional correspondence; butthis was a species of servitude, and my mind panted for freedom, forsocial intercourse, for scenes in motion, where the active curiosity ofmy temper might find a scope wherein to range and speculate. What couldthe interest of my little fortune afford? It would neither enab
le meto live alone, nor even to board in a family of any respectability. Mybeloved aunt was no more; her children were about to be dispersed, andto form various connections.

  Cruel prejudices!--I exclaimed--hapless woman! Why was I not educatedfor commerce, for a profession, for labour? Why have I been renderedfeeble and delicate by bodily constraint, and fastidious by artificialrefinement? Why are we bound, by the habits of society, as with anadamantine chain? Why do we suffer ourselves to be confined within amagic circle, without daring, by a magnanimous effort, to dissolve thebarbarous spell?

  A child in the drama of the world, I knew not which way to turn, nor onwhat to determine. I wrote to Mr Morton, to enquire on what terms I wasto be received by his family. If merely as a visitor for a few weeks,till I had time to digest my plans, I should meet, with pleasure, agentleman whose character I had been taught to respect; but I should notconsider myself as subject to controul. I ought, perhaps, to have beensatisfied with Mr Morton's answer to my interrogatories.

  He wished to embrace the daughter of his brother, his family would behappy to render Morton Park agreeable to her, as long as she shouldthink proper to favour them by making it her residence. The youngladies expected both pleasure and improvement from the society oftheir accomplished kinswoman, &c.

  I believe I was unreasonable, the style of this letter was civil, naykind, and yet it appeared, to me, to want the vivifying principle--whatshall I say?--dictated merely by the head, it reached not the heart.